JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Ep. 1
Initial impression – crapola (1/10)
Autumn 2012 to winter 2013 (26 episodes) (Japanese title – JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken (2012)) (more info)
Most anime that I give my lowest possible rating usually earn it by being disturbing on some level, but JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure has earned my ire on merit alone. If you wanted to make any kind of work of fiction as bad as possible, it would probably look something like this. The visual design is flat and when it’s not chugging along at what feels like five frames per second, it’s just panning across still scenes that might was well have been lifted right from the pages of a manga for all the effort that went into them. The palette makes Claymore look like a rainbow and the clothes and faces are ugly, misshapen caricatures of 1800s Europe.
Characters are completely unlikeable, being either total jerks or wimpy, gullible idiots. And that’s when they actually have any characterization at all. In the space of two minutes JoJo goes from a weak, sheltered rich kid protecting some random girl from bullies to the undisputed star of the boxing ring, who then not thirty seconds later gets dethroned by his childishly cruel adopted brother. One would think that JoJo’s father would pick up on Dio’s stupidly transparent ploy to discredit his sloppy son if the old man didn’t have the completely clueless observational powers of a starfish.
Most bad writing has the problem of going too slow and dragging things out pointlessly to pad the length to the typically required twelve episodes, but JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure is exactly the opposite. Transitions from one scene to the next happen as smoothly as a building demolition with absolutely no warning or lead in to the events that follow. The pace of the story is so fast and glosses over so many important details that the first episode alone felt like the compressed summary of six episodes—the skeleton of a story without any flesh or skin—made even worse by this series’ unfathomable twenty-six episode run. Lastly, there are the voices. Talk about overacting. I feel like I’ve stepped into the auditorium of a middle-school play where every kid, regardless of skill or will, has some obligatory stage time to appease their parents.
There’s just no excuse for anything being this awful. Seriously, this is a level of excruciating terrible that makes me feel physically ill, because I have to admit that Milky Holmes actually compares favorably to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. In a sickeningly ironic way, for what it’s worth, I find that the new depths this anime is digging to be somewhat impressive. Just hurry up and die, JoJo. The world would be better off if Dio mopped the floor with your sorry ass and put us all out of our misery.